SATIRE - Congress says that with no way to actually pay back our debts, faking a coup to eliminate financial obligations is the best plan for the U.S. economy. - THE ONION

SATIRE - President Barack Obama today celebrated his 48th birthday with a retroactive declaration of statehood for Kenya, his father's homeland and the nation where some skeptics say he was born on August 4, 1961. Conspiracy theorists, collectively called 'birthers' by those who trust the president's version of events, say Obama has refused to release his official birth certificate, so no one can be sure that he's a 'natural born' U.S. citizen, or even that he's at least 35 years old and, therefore, Constitutionally qualified for the office. By declaring Kenya a U.S. state retroactive to July 1961, the president said he hoped to "put an end to fruitless speculation about my citizenship, which should -- by the way -- be a private matter between a woman and her obstetrician, or village midwife as the case may be." - WASHINGTON EXAMINER

SATIRE - "America's finest news source" has been bought by a Chinese company. At least, that's what the satirical newspaper The Onion claims on its homepage, with the amended tagline: "America's finest news source and salvage fishery." The paper says it was sold to a conglomerate based in China's Sichuan province — the Yu Wan Mei Amalgamated Salvage Fisheries and Polymer Injection Corp. "As you know, the American newspaper and print industry has been in great, great decline," Joe Randazzo, the paper's editor, tells Robert Siegel. "And The Onion was at a point of great vulnerability, crouched like an injured dog in the corner. And the Yu Wan Mei group came [and] saw it as an opportunity to at once extend its reach into the Western world — and to also provide benevolent support in its time of need." - NPR.org

[Do visit www.TheOnion.com to see the running Chinese-themed stories. See American from the Communist point of view, according to The Onion. It's LOL funny.]

SATIRE - Supporters of the Pentagon's Dragon Tank urge Obama to reconsider the fearsome power of titanium nostrils mounted with long-range flamethrowers. - THE ONION.ocm

TOTALLY RANDOM - There is something quite pressing that I must make clear immediately. I am afraid I am going to have to take that cupcake. That cupcake with the red-colored frosting. The one with the soft, fluffy cake and the white-paper wrapper. Yes, the cupcake that is virtually indistinguishable from the 16 to 20 other cupcakes around me in the office at this time. This is the sole cupcake I have singled out. Granted, it happened to be the first to enter my field of vision as I came in the room. The cupcake situated in that location is the cupcake of my desire. The one at which I am at this moment intently staring. That is the cupcake that I will shortly be removing from its wrapper and consuming. The sooner you grasp the reality of this, the easier it will be for all of us. - THE ONION

SATIRE - Noting that the adrenaline in outrage can spark irrational, erratic and sometimes dangerous behavior, President Barack Obama today urged the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) to regulate it as a drug, like cigarettes. Mr. Obama, a smoker who said yesterday that he’s “95 percent cured” has also struggled with outrage, even showing glimpses of it when the subject of his smoking came up at his news conference. The president said today that like his smoking, he constantly struggles to control his outrage, but that he’s “99 percent cured.” - SCRAPPLE FACE.com

SATIRE - Check out this Facebook group where world leaders interact. Created by Sage Stossel - THE ATLANTIC.com

SATIRE - First of all, feminists will not be allowed to mention their status as feminists. A few semesters ago, a feminist student in one of my classes said – right in the middle of class, mind you – “I’m a feminist.” It offended me when she said that. That is why I am banning such statements for the duration of the semester. The simple awareness of the presence of feminists in my classes offends me. No other reason need be offered. Just shut up and comply with the rule. - TOWN HALL.com

SATIRE - As the U.S. government escorted General Motors into bankruptcy court Monday with a deal giving taxpayers 60 percent of GM stock, a new survey reveals that most Americans would rather own a majority equity stake in Toyota. According to a new Gallup poll, 87 percent believe Toyota's stock to be a better deal than GM's, due to the superior safety features, reliability and even the design of the Japanese equities. - THE EXAMINER