SATIRE - The White House attempted to quell alarm over two interlopers who somehow breached security to attend a state dinner for the prime minister of India this week. Although Tareq and Michaele Salahi were not on the initial guest list, said White House press secretary Robert Gibbs, "They do appear on the retro guest list, thus negating any national security threat." The retro guest list, the White House spokesman explained, is prepared after the event to reconcile guest projections with actual results. Tareq Salahi wore a black tuxedo, which grants him an automatic "Level 3 clearance", said Gibbs. His wife, a slim, blonde woman, wore a red and gold sari and may have been "mistaken for a Bollywood star." Gibbs noted that Michaela Salahi "gave every appearance of being a celebrity" and so slipped the Secret Service cordon, under "the standard Obama administration protocol for dealing with famous people, actors, singers, models and such." - WASHINGTON EXAMINER.com

SATIRE - Take heart, my love, for sanctuary is at hand. It can only be a Waffle House! Do you know it? Yes, it is rather like a Denny's, but humbler still. It is a Southern thing, truly, perhaps best likened to the IHOPs of your girlhood in Fresno. But the Waffle House has a spirit of its very own. Let us make haste! Salvation is near, and it is slathered in syrup! Now tell me: scattered, smothered, or covered? You look at me as if I speak some savage dialect, woman, when I merely refer to options for the preparation of the hash browns from which we will soon take sustenance. You will see once we arrive, my love, you will see. Tremble no longer, and think only of cheese 'n' eggs with raisin toast and apple butter. Or let us speak of grits. Or perhaps an omelet or—no, not pancakes. Waffle House does not serve pancakes. - THE ONION

SATIRE - Congress says that with no way to actually pay back our debts, faking a coup to eliminate financial obligations is the best plan for the U.S. economy. - THE ONION

SATIRE - President Barack Obama today celebrated his 48th birthday with a retroactive declaration of statehood for Kenya, his father's homeland and the nation where some skeptics say he was born on August 4, 1961. Conspiracy theorists, collectively called 'birthers' by those who trust the president's version of events, say Obama has refused to release his official birth certificate, so no one can be sure that he's a 'natural born' U.S. citizen, or even that he's at least 35 years old and, therefore, Constitutionally qualified for the office. By declaring Kenya a U.S. state retroactive to July 1961, the president said he hoped to "put an end to fruitless speculation about my citizenship, which should -- by the way -- be a private matter between a woman and her obstetrician, or village midwife as the case may be." - WASHINGTON EXAMINER

SATIRE - "America's finest news source" has been bought by a Chinese company. At least, that's what the satirical newspaper The Onion claims on its homepage, with the amended tagline: "America's finest news source and salvage fishery." The paper says it was sold to a conglomerate based in China's Sichuan province — the Yu Wan Mei Amalgamated Salvage Fisheries and Polymer Injection Corp. "As you know, the American newspaper and print industry has been in great, great decline," Joe Randazzo, the paper's editor, tells Robert Siegel. "And The Onion was at a point of great vulnerability, crouched like an injured dog in the corner. And the Yu Wan Mei group came [and] saw it as an opportunity to at once extend its reach into the Western world — and to also provide benevolent support in its time of need." - NPR.org

[Do visit www.TheOnion.com to see the running Chinese-themed stories. See American from the Communist point of view, according to The Onion. It's LOL funny.]

SATIRE - Supporters of the Pentagon's Dragon Tank urge Obama to reconsider the fearsome power of titanium nostrils mounted with long-range flamethrowers. - THE ONION.ocm

TOTALLY RANDOM - There is something quite pressing that I must make clear immediately. I am afraid I am going to have to take that cupcake. That cupcake with the red-colored frosting. The one with the soft, fluffy cake and the white-paper wrapper. Yes, the cupcake that is virtually indistinguishable from the 16 to 20 other cupcakes around me in the office at this time. This is the sole cupcake I have singled out. Granted, it happened to be the first to enter my field of vision as I came in the room. The cupcake situated in that location is the cupcake of my desire. The one at which I am at this moment intently staring. That is the cupcake that I will shortly be removing from its wrapper and consuming. The sooner you grasp the reality of this, the easier it will be for all of us. - THE ONION

SATIRE - Noting that the adrenaline in outrage can spark irrational, erratic and sometimes dangerous behavior, President Barack Obama today urged the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) to regulate it as a drug, like cigarettes. Mr. Obama, a smoker who said yesterday that he’s “95 percent cured” has also struggled with outrage, even showing glimpses of it when the subject of his smoking came up at his news conference. The president said today that like his smoking, he constantly struggles to control his outrage, but that he’s “99 percent cured.” - SCRAPPLE FACE.com

SATIRE - Check out this Facebook group where world leaders interact. Created by Sage Stossel - THE ATLANTIC.com