Apparently the R. Kelly kiddie porn trial is having some issues getting people onto the jury. The Chicago Tribune looks at the 12 ways you can get dismissed from this high profile trial. Some of them, like the one where the guy states that R.Kelly may be in league with the Taliban and responsible for 9/11 are patently, er, ludicris...

Wonderful. "Bring your daughter to war" day in Iraq. Love the Onion.

Quoted: Girls between the ages of 8 and 14 spent the day helping their parents fight insurgents and defuse mines.

Too bad for these poor Croatians. Paint yourself blue like a smurf and find out it's all for naught. At least they have lovely pictures!

Quoted: Hundreds of Croatians painted themselves blue and put on silly hats to beat a world record - only to find they were too late.

OMG, the newest speaker of the house was caught wearing women's clothing!

Quoted: Cameras captured the speaker wearing what appeared to be a skirt and high heels.

This is amazing! "Cultural guerillas" sneaking into famous French landmarks to restore them. Their most recent coup is breaking into the Pantheon and fixing the gigantic clock. I would have loved to have seen the movie theater under the Seine.

Quoted: The Onion, America's Finest News Source, is an award-winning publication covering world, national, and * local issues. It is updated daily online and distributed weekly in select American cities.

The Onion tells us what they're excited about on the new iPhone:

Quoted: Exclusive link to Google Street View so you can watch yourself using your iPhone at all times

OK. Now this is cruel and hilarious.

Quoted: Amazon 1-Click Bankrupts Area Parkinson's Sufferer.